~Saturday Sadness~

As most of you know, I lost my cat String one week ago today. It has been a tough week, each day feeling a little less grief and pain, knowing that she is in a better place, and I will see her again someday.

On Tuesday, something compelled me to go to Petfinder.com, and look at cats for adoption. Not because I want to rush out and get another cat, I have 3 that need my attention and love right now, but because I wanted to search to see if there was another black and white kitty that resembled String. It is hard to explain....some of you may understand where I am coming from. I wanted to look....just to see if there was one that looked like her, almost like it would make me feel better to know that there are String-Look-Alikes out there. Of course, I caught hell from anyone who knew I was doing that. I kept hearing "She's gone, you can't replace her." - I know that. "Why are you doing that to yourself? It is only going to make you feel worse." - No, it makes me feel better. And finally, my husband, who didn't even give me a chance to explain WHY I was doing it: "WE ARE NOT GETTING ANOTHER CAT...LOVE THE ONES THAT WE STILL HAVE LEFT"...sometimes men really piss me off.

It is shocking to see the hundreds and hundreds of cats that need good homes. Petfinder lists cats from rescue leagues, as well as county humane societies. You can see their pictures, and sometimes a little blurb about where the cat was found, its personality, age, etc. It is a comfort to know that many of them are in no kill shelters, so even if they are not adopted, they may live out the rest of their lives receiving comfort, food and love.

I saw quite a few cats that looked like String...none that looked exactly like her, but some that resembled her quite closely. And then I found Adwen. Adwen is black and white, with the black mask around her eyes. Her nose is not black like Strings, but I could tell she had String's personality. There are three pictures of her posted...two of her sitting regally on a table, with her beautiful green eyes glowing, and one of her mid-meow, her mouth wide open. This was my favorite picture. I bookmarked her page, and looked at her funny little face several times a day throughout the rest of the week. Until yesterday. Yesterday, I clicked on the link and got the message "We're sorry, this pet's picture is no longer available." Well, I was a little upset, but thought, Great! She was adopted! She deserves a good home! But....something nagged at me. Something told me to call about her....something that said "maybe she is still available, and they just took her picture off of the website temporarily....I KNOW that I can talk Steve into adopting her"....all of these words running together in my head, while I dial the number. I told the lady on the other end of the phone that I was calling about Adwen...had she been adopted? She paused...then said "I'm sorry ma'am, she was euthanized this morning." Mid-cry I asked "WHY?" Her reply: "Her time was up." Click.

Mind you....I did this while I was at work, which I never should have done. Adwen lost her life, because no one had adopted her in her allotted amount of time, which obviously was not enough time. If I had taken her....If I had gone to get her on Tuesday, she would still be alive. It was MY fault. No, it was my HUSBAND's fault. I was sad and angry and went to the bathroom to have a meltdown.

Needless to say, I got to go home early, which really didn't help me much. I just came home and thought about it. I thought about it all evening, and first thing this morning when I opened my eyes. It's not fair. I know that it happens every day all over the country to millions and millions of animals. My father says to me "I know you're sad, honey, but you can't save them all." I know that. But why Adwen?

It was been such an emotional week for me. I was already grieving for String, and now I am grieving for Adwen. If I could...if it was humanly possible, I would save them all. No healthy animal would have to die because "their time was up".