Friday, May 20, 2011

The Rapture and Bad Dreams

Supposedly The Rapture is coming tomorrow....May 21, 2011. The first I heard of it was today. I was already feeling uneasy this morning, due to a bad dream I had last night.

How many of you have ever dreamed that one of your parents has passed away? You wake up shaken and scared, and it takes you a moment to get your bearings and realize that it was just a dream. That happened to me Thursday night/Friday morning. My mom had been on my mind because I hadn't been to the nursing home to see her yet this week, and I was planning on going to spend my lunch hour with her today. Maybe it was the guilt that I was feeling from not seeing her yet this week that brought on the dream, I don't know. Anyway, in the dream, I got a phone call, telling me that I needed to come right away. When I got there, a CNA was sitting on my mother's bed, holding her, and I just got there in the nick of time. I got to hold her and hug her while she passed on. Like I said, it was an upsetting dream, but, I was so glad that I had gotten there in time....

I have felt melancholy all day. When lunch time rolled around, I drove over to the nursing home, with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in tow. She wasn't in her room, so I searched the hallways, until I found her in the lunch line. The staff lines everyone's wheelchairs up outside the dining room right before chow time. When I got to mom's chair, and turned her around, I expected a smile and hello ~ she is usually always glad to see me nowadays. Today I got a scowl, and an "I'm not hungry!" grumble. " I brought peanut butter and jelly!" I sang out. Still, she scowled at me and said "You eat it." Terrific.

We went back to her room, and I set everything out on her tray table. I gave her her large print Readers Digest that comes to my house for her, and she opened it up and started reading. The nurse came in to give her medications, and she was grouchy once again. "I don't want that!" she snapped. "Mom, just drink it down, okay?" I cajoled, smiling at her. "What are YOU so happy about?" she glowered at me. The nurse and I just looked at each other helplessly. She took her meds, then settled back in to read. I watched her while I ate, pleased with the fact that she was reading. Mom had always been an avid reader, but since her stroke, she lost interest. I watched her mouth soundlessly form words, and thought "this is great...." Several long minutes passed, then when she turned the page, I saw what she had been reading:

"MAGNETIC KNEE BRACE!" the ad screamed.... "fits under clothes to support and relieve knee pain. Lightweight neoprene and nylon brace has 16 sewn-in-magnets that surround the entire knee. According to ancient Chinese healing principles, magnets may increase blood flow to sore, stiff joints. One size adjusts to fit all."

She hadn't been reading an article or story. She was reading an advertisement. For some reason, this made me terribly sad. My heart sank into my stomach. The way she was silently mouthing the words, and really concentrating hard I thought she was into a good story. This is a woman who had always loved Joy Fielding, David Balducci, and Anne River Siddons.

My lunch hour was about over, so I cleaned everything up. "I'm going back to work now, mom." I leaned over to kiss her on the head. She hugged me and said "I love you sweetheart. Please stop by again...."...all traces of grouchiness gone. Leaving her room and walking down the hall, hot tears spilled down my cheeks.

Even if the world DOES end tomorrow, my mom loves me. And I love her. And we were together today, no matter what the circumstances.

Proverbs 31:25: She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26: She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27: She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28: Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:


Vivienne said...

What a thought provoking post. I am sorry you feel so sad. You have struggled so long with your mum.
Big hugs.

Zibilee said...

It must be so hard for you to have to go through this with your mom, and I can imagine that it breaks your heart when she acts this way. You are a very good daughter for continuing to always visit and seek to comfort her, and you will be in my prayers. I will be thinking about you and your mom today.


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